Calm Comebacks to Rude Remarks

Some people are simply ignorant or make careless comments, such as misidentifying a woman airline pilot as a 'stewardess'. Others intend for their barbs to sting. Rude remarks like “another empty kitchen” and terrible slurs and ‘jokes’ are microaggressions, a form of gender harassment in which deliberate putdowns are meant to denigrate women and ‘put you in your place’.

Don’t ignore harassment; it pollutes the flight training environment, erodes crew resource management, and jeopardizes safety of flight. Bullies and predators are emboldened by inaction and might escalate their harassment to include harming your career and personal safety.

Confident boundary-setting repels abuse:

• Prepare in advance. Choose some calm comebacks that resonate with you, and practice them in front of a mirror. 
• Use clear, direct, firm language. Calm comebacks are most effective when delivered in a neutral businesslike tone with no sarcasm and no smiling. 
• Set and maintain a boundary. Speak up right away, in a post-flight debrief, or later by phone, text, or email.
• Follow the Halt Harassment in Aviation Checklist.

Calm Comebacks for Nearly Any Situation

• SILENCE.
  [Simply stare, or give them a ‘look’. Let the silence extend. Or walk away. You don't have to ease discomfort you didn’t cause. Don’t have to respond to an insult. You don’t have to submit to a grilling on aircraft systems or defend your right to be there. Never have an argument you've already won.]
  
• NO.
  [And say nothing more, because ‘No’ is a complete sentence. Saying ‘No’ with finality is part of being pilot-in-command.]
  
• STOP.
  
• WOW.
  
• You may be right.
  
• I’d rather not say.
• I’m here to [learn] [work] [fly] – let’s focus on that.

For Egregious Misconduct

• Stop touching me! That is never okay.
• Enough! That’s making me very uncomfortable.
• What’s wrong with you?! Don’t speak to me that way!
• I said I wasn’t interested, and I mean it. Leave me alone.
• Your interference with [my training] [my flight duties] jeopardizes the safety of flight. If you continue, I will be obligated to report your misconduct as a hazard to safety.

For Deliberately Demeaning Put-Downs

• Are you okay??
• I will allow you to rephrase that.
• Are you always this unkind? …Why?
• What an inappropriate thing to say!
• I’m giving you the opportunity to retract that.
• Those are thoughts you should keep to yourself.
• Direct that energy someplace productive – not here.
• So-called ‘jokes’ are just a cover for hostility. Cut it out.
• Is that supposed to be funny? I don’t get it. Can you explain it to me? I still don’t understand. Explain it to me as you would to a kindergartener. [Make the ‘joke’ awkward and un-funny.]

For Rude Remarks about Sexuality, Pregnancy, Nursing, Parenthood

• Subject closed.
• That’s personal.
• I / We manage just fine.
• I won’t be discussing this with you.
• Why do you need to know? (“I’m just curious.”) Huh. [Stop there. You have no obligation to satisfy their curiosity.]
• My partner and I have agreed to not discuss this with others.
• Why do you ask? Are you trying to be helpful or hurtful? [You can follow up by stating calmly that it lands as hurtful.]
• I’ll forgive you for asking a personal question, if you’ll forgive me for not answering.

Note: The following comebacks are snarky – use with caution.

• How do YOU manage parenthood??
• How are your bowel movements? Oh, I thought we were asking wildly intrusive and inappropriate questions about bodily functions here! [Wide-eyed innocent look.]

For Mansplaining

• It seems like you’ve grasped the basics – would you like me to direct you to resources for further study?
• [Captain’s debrief] I observed some things during our time flying together, and now I'm going to help you out. You have a habit of mansplaining things to me that I already know. That could be seen as being condescending and patronizing to women, especially women captains. I'm hoping you were just trying to demonstrate your knowledge. But either way, I don't expect it to happen again while we fly together.

Note: The following comebacks are snarky – use with caution.

• Tell me something I don’t already know and I’ll write it down. [Grab a paper and pen; write nothing down.]
• Yep! You got it! You're demonstrating good listening and comprehension skills! Way to go!
• Wow – you're putting what you learned in training together with what I just showed you and re-stating what I just said. Good job, buddy!

For Rude Remarks about Gender, Race, Age, Religion, Politics, Qualifications

• Say that again, louder for the recording. [Hold out your phone.]
• Working twice as hard SHOULD give me an advantage.
• So the [7% women pilots] [2.6% Black pilots] are taking ALL the jobs, huh? [Current figures are here.]
• I can see how it might look that way to someone with your limited perspective.
• What an embarrassing thing for you to say, when all evidence shows the opposite.
• I’m qualified and I’m here. What you think about that is none of my business, so keep it to yourself.
• If you insist that I’m a diversity hire, then you must also acknowledge that you’re a white male supremacy hire. 
• No more talk about sex, politics, race, or religion on the flight deck. Let’s stay BORING: Basic Operating Requirements In Normal Guidelines.
• So you think that an airline would hire a pilot without the minimum qualifications? Really? Why would you think that? Walk me through your thought process.
• You might not respect me, but you must respect the position of [instructor] [captain] and be able to work with me in this role. If you cannot, let me know now so I can make arrangements to have you reassigned. 
• Plenty of pilots got jobs because they had the qualifications AND CONNECTIONS. Maybe their daddy is an airline pilot, or their cousin plays golf with an executive. So tell me, are you harassing THEM about how THEY got preferential hiring??
• You might call me ‘low-time’ and a ‘child of the magenta line’, but I was trained from Day One in stick-and-rudder skills AND on checklist discipline, crew coordination, standard operating procedures, and modern aviation technology. Nothing like the primary flight training of yesteryear.
• Look, we both had to work very hard to get here, but you didn’t have people constantly telling you that you had it easy while also questioning your competency, solely because of your genitals or skin color. This happens to me A LOT. I shouldn’t have to keep proving myself over and over. 
• You know the difference between you and me? We both had to do the same training, study, practice, and pass the same tests and checkrides. The difference is, you did all that WITHOUT having to respond to ignorant, vulgar, demeaning remarks about your [gender] [race] [sexuality] [age].
• Do you have instructors, examiners, and captains hitting on you and then turning vindictive when you politely turn them down? Oh, you don’t?! Because it’s not just annoying, it feels threatening, and is a distraction that impacts safety of flight. It makes it hard to keep flying with these guys, yet I keep showing up anyway. My pilot girlfriends keep showing up, too, even though some of them have been sexually assaulted by aviation coworkers. Think about that next time you think any of us ‘have it easy’ as a woman pilot.
  
• Oh, you think I didn’t 'deserve' to get hired here, that standards are being lowered to hire pilots like me? Really?? Because I… [graduated from the rigorous 99s Professional Pilot Leadership Initiative mentoring program] [graduated Summa Cum Laude] [flew combat missions in Iraq / Afghanistan] [was a check pilot at my last airline] [served on the union training committee at my last airline] [am working on my Masters thesis on aviation safety] [teach upset recovery and aerobatics] [flew 50 kids through EAA Young Eagles] [fill in the blank]. Now, how about you – what are YOU doing to enhance your pilot credentials, demonstrate leadership, contribute to your community, or otherwise stand out from the crowd of pilot applicants?

If Harassment Continues

Follow the guidance in the Halt Harassment in Aviation Checklist.

Thank you to all the women pilots and others who contributed to this list. 

© 2023 Jenny Beatty. All Rights Reserved.

Photo Credit: Steele2123